Going through my art, I've realized how much I have changed over these past five years. I've been forced to grow up alot, maybe too much. It's sad to look back and see how much my outlook on the world has changed. And I'm angry with my past self (of the last two years) for creating images that were only pleasing to the eye. They mean little, if anything.

I used to have so much passion and everything I created had a deep meaning to me. I don't know when or why I've stopped this... Maybe it was gradual. Maybe I just can't dream anymore. When I draw now, it's never for me. It's to impress someone. I don't know who, or why. It's just not for me anymore. Ideas dont flow to my hands like they used to. Now I draw cold and calculated, and there is no emotion put into or out of my work. Maybe I've been overwhelmed with emotion and don't want to feel it anymore. And I know that I can continue the way I am and not care about anything. If I don't care I cant get hurt, right? But do I really want to be that numb? And I feel emotions so strongly; I never see anyone else feel so intensely. By numbing myself do I become normal? And if so, do I really want to be normal? Will there be a point when I give up fighting and hurting and caring and shield myself? And would that be cowardice? And when does bravery become foolishness?

Some days I am willing to be a fool. It may be a hopeless battle, and I'll suffer undoubtedly. I'll feel alone, I know this for sure... But I will experience everything on such a larger scale. I feel good emotions strongly as well. There have been times when I felt I was going to burst with joy. Times that I feel so connected with people and the world I felt I could do anything. Times I've felt so protective of someone I've put myself in danger to protect them... I used to be able to listen to a song and paint for hours, or I used to be able to just look up at the sky and know I was going to be something.

Life and all it's surprises have grated down on me. With every dissapointment, it's harder and harder to see the good things in life. Maybe this is growing up. But I am afraid that by looking at the good, I'm ignoring the bad. That I am settling. It's all perception I guess... Do I change my perception of shit being shit to shit being glorious for the sake of happiness? I don't know. It feels like weakness to me. It goes round and round.

I'd like to blame Nik for my loss of passion... I still have alot of animosity towards him... But I realize now he was only a speedbump on the road I was already heading down. I had already lost all of my positively fueled passion. He just crushed me enough to take me negatively fueled passion... Which is what I used mostly. No, that's not quite right... He was the 'straw that broke the camel's back'. A big fucking straw, but just a straw nonetheless.

I guess I'm getting to the point where I have to decide what type of person I want to be. Do I get up and try again? Or rest down in the dirt and be safe? I don't know. All I know is that I want it to be a concious decision. I don't want all this to seep into the back of my mind, because a decision has to be made, consciously or unconsciously. I don't want to just end up somewhere someday and look back wondering how I got there.